Of Suction Guns And Little Boys
by obi-glasses
Summary: Calvin finds a weapon. A harmless, yet very useful weapon...Completed. At last.
1. Hobbes Is First

_Please remember that flames will be used to fry marshmallows._

A suction gun lay on the ground, abandoned by its owner. Suddenly a child's hand reached out and grabbed it.

"A weapon! Perfect!" a voice said. "Hobbes is never going to suspect this!"

Rustling followed as somebody climbed a tree, giggling maliciously.

"Torpedo one...fire!" _thpow!_

"Torpedo two...fire!"_ thpow!_

"Torpedo whatever...fire!" _thpow!_

"ALL RIGHT! I SURRENDER! YOU GOT ME!"

A yellow ochre tiger bounded out of a nearby bush, three suction cups stuck to his back.

"HA HA HA! I KNEW YOU'D SURRENDER!!" screamed the unknown voice.

A spiky-haired blond boy fell from the tree he'd been firing from. "So, how did ya like it, Hobbes?" he asked the tiger.

Hobbes glared at the boy. "Oh, I had the time of my life, Calvin," he snarled.

Calvin sighed. "Do I detect a note of sarcasm?"

"Maybe. You wouldn't have liked it either, fur makes suction awful if the thingys get a grip." Hobbes pulled at one of the suction cups, wincing as they popped off.

"Maybe you didn't notice, butthead, but _I _do not **have **fur." Calvin had a skeptical look on his face.

"Calling me names now, huh? Well, you're a muffin face!" Hobbes glared at the six-year-old, the last of the suction cups in his paws (or should I say hands?).

"Oh yeah? Poopaws!" Calvin leaned forward, all thoughts of his finding driven away.

"POTTY MOUTH! CALVIN IS A POTTY MOUTH!!" Hobbes ran around, his hands cupped to his mouth as he shouted this breaking news.

Just then, a woman yelled out the door.

"CALVIN! DINNER!"

She watched as her son plodded down his favorite wagon riding hill, stuffed tiger in his arms. He seemed to be having a "fight" with his tiger. She smiled, and turned back to the lemonade she was making.

"Great," Calvin muttered, "And I almost called you my most ingenious name yet…"

"Hey, it's all right," Hobbes said. "I didn't want to know it anyways."

Calvin smiled.


	2. Susie Is Attacked!

_Sigh I said this was going to be a one-shot. I decided to try again at loading a chapter so that you people can actually read it. Here you go..._

**Chapter Two-Susie Is Attacked!!**

Susie Derkins was a six-year-old girl, often tormented by her next door neighbor, Calvin. If he had a last name, she sure as heck didn't know what it was.

Today, however, Susie felt that she was safe, for her mother was inside, cooking those yummy mint-chocolate-chip cookies, and could watch Susie with ease.

Yet, behind the wood fence...

_"Hobbes! Do you have my new weapon?"_

_"Ready, sir!"_

_"Good! Wait here, I'll distract her!"_

Calvin suddenly jumped over the fence, thanks to a 2-foot-tall ladder. Bearing his precious suction gun in his hand, he turned it on Susie.

The suction gun was loaded.

"SURRENDER OR DIE BY MY WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!"

Susie just stared at him. In shock, it seemed. Finally...

"AAAAAAGGHHHHHHHHHHAAAIIIIIIIAAAAAA!!!"

Now Calvin was the one staring. Then he laughed.

"HAhahahahaha! You do not scare me! HOBBES!! ATTACK!!"

Nothing happened.

Calvin turned twenty shades of red and blue and screamed, "HOBBES!! WHERE ARE YOU?! ATTACK!!"

Now, Susie ran inside, screaming the story along the way. A few minutes later...

"I can't believe it!! You ruined the WHOLE plan just for a case of milk!!"

A grounded Calvin folded his arms and glared at the tiger standing in front of him. Hobbes licked his milk mustache off.

"I couldn't help it! You KNOW I love milk! Especially the milk cases that the milkman delivers!"

"Agghhhh!"

Calvin flopped down on his bed and stared at his precious suction gun, mounted on the closet knobs.

_Next time I use that, it's going to be on a certian stripey idiot..._

So? Continue or not? I love reviews, and no more flaming! Flames will ignored, because they're mindless babble!


	3. Oh, No

_HEY! HEY!! Even if you've already read Chapter 1, READ IT AGAIN! I've made a few changes that you might like._

Calvin had been lying in wait for...how long? 5 minutes? 10? He was beginning to get impatient.

//Moe always comes around this time of day,\\ Calvin thought. //Maybe he's gotten mixed up in some other stuff.\\

Just then, Moe rounded the corner, without his friends.

Calvin raised his suction gun, eager to shoot. Moe walked closer. Closer. And closer...

_beedie beedie beep boop! beedie beedie beep boop! beedie beedie bee--- bleep!_

"Yeah? Oh, hi, Joey. No, I'm not doing anything now. Yeah, you too..."

Calvin grinned widely. Things couldn't be going better! Moe was talking on his cell phone, so Calvin could sneak up with no difficulty!

Calvin silently tiptoed up behind Moe. Raising his gun, he loaded...

And fired.

_Shoo--thock!_

"AAAARRRGHHHH!!" Moe dropped his cell and turned, but Calvin was already down the street, out of sight.

Calvin ran into his house, slammed the door and laughed.

'' HOBBES! DID YOU SEE THAT? IT WAS PERFECT! PERFECT!!" Calvin ran around, waving his gun in the air.

Hobbes came around the corner, out of the kitchen where Mom was cooking.

"Aren't you forgetting something, Calvin?" Hobbes asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You have to go to school tomorrow. Remember? If Moe saw you, well, I don't want to say what he would do to you..."

"Relax, Hobbes! I'm sure I got down the street fast enough. I'll be okay." Calvin smiled and went into the kitchen.

Hobbes silently watched him. //It's my job to protect him now,\\ the tiger thought. //Only how?\\

-------------------------------++++++++++++

_If you want me to, I'll type out the fourth (and final) chapter. If you want me to stay at this cliffhanger, I will. But I need your opinions! (Reviews would be nice too!)_


	4. Revenge Of The BabySat

_I'm sorry I took so long to update, but my writers' block was awful! I hope that you guys arn't too mad at me..._

_Oh, sorry about that disclamier thing. I don't own C&H. I don't own Star Wars. I don't even own my cat. My cat owns me. (sigh...)_

Calvin was mad. No, check that, he was ticked. No, check that, he was _pissed_. Rosalyn was coming to baby-sit, again! Why her? Why not somebody else?

Hobbes looked up from the bed, surrounded by comics and newspapers. "Can you believe this?! They cut out Star Wars Weekly!" he growled out. "They _must _be insane. There's no other reason for this!!" Hobbes mumbled away about the universe's timing while Calvin scowled out his window.

"Hobbes?" he asked. Hobbes looked up from his newspaper. "Yeah, Calvin?"

"Do we still have that suction gun of mine?" Calvin asked.

"Yeah, I think so, why?" Hobbes had a suspicious look pasted on his face. // _You better not be thinking what I think you're thinking,// _Hobbes thought.

"Just wondering." Calvin grinned. Hobbes sighed. "Calvin, I don't want to get grounded again. Remember last time when you used that thing? Mom looked like she wanted to wring your neck!" "I know, Hobbes, I know. But now, I have a plan that is foolproof! She won't be able to figure out that I was the one who got'er!"

Hobbes glared at him. "You said the same thing before we got punished for trying to buy that firecracker. Remember that disguise? That totally didn't work!"

He went back to searching for his missing comic.

Calvin went back to staring out the window. "This plan will work, Hobbes. All I have to do is wait for Rosalyn to arrive."

25 SECONDS LATER

"HOW LONG IS GOING TO TAKE?!!" Calvin shrieked. Hobbes jumped off the bed. "Good grief, don't do that to me! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" Hobbes hopped back on the bed and looked through the newspapers again. "Pooey. Star Wars Weekly is gone from the Post, the Pallette, the NeWeek, _and _the Comic Showroom." Hobbes threw down the paper and frowned. Just then, Calvin heard a car pull up. "She's here! Quick, find it!" "Find what?" Hobbes asked. "The suction gun, yidiot! Now find it!"

They threw apart Calvin's room. Most of the junk (not including the newpapers on the bed) went out the window into the conveniently placed dumpster below Calvin's window. Finally, they found it. In Calvin's closet, under the stack of dirty clothes. They tromped down the stairs, where Rosalyn was just making herself at home.

"Hi, Rosalyn! Peaceful evening planned?" Calvin asked with fake excitement. Rosalyn looked at him.

"Actually, yes." Rosalyn put down her purse and said, "Okay, Calvin. We're going to make a little deal here. If you behave, I'm going to let you stay up a half-hour later than I usually do. Deal?"

"Deal!" Calvin lied. // _What if she's onto me? What if she's got some sort of weird, futuristic mind-reader thingamajig in her bag? _//

--IN CALVIN'S ROOM, 5 MINUTES LATER--

"Okay, Hobbes, you scout around to the back of the couch. Rosalyn will be sitting at- I mean, on- the armchair." Calvin pointed to a makeshift map of the living room. "I'll get out through my bedroom window, and go around to the window behind the couch. You hand me the gun, then climb out through the window and take up a post at the ladder under my window, make sure it's not blocked by anybody. I'll shoot Rosalyn, run to the ladder, climb up, dispose of the gun, and be in the clear!" Calvin grinned. Hobbes looked uncertain.

"Calvin, I agree that there is a high chance that we're not going to get caught, but are you sure you'll be _alive _if you are?" Hobbes asked. Calvin scoffed.

"High chance?! There's a absolute chance! We _will _get through with this plan! I know it!" Calvin waved his arms around for...no reason. Hobbes looked worried.

// _Oh, boy. _//

BEHIND THE COUCH, 2 MINUTES LATER

"Psst! Hobbes!" There was a whisper from the window. Hobbes looked out and saw Calvin squatting in the tulips and pansies. "Hobbes, hand me the-" His reply was cut off by a "Hello, Twinkie."

// _I knew this was going to happen! _// Hobbes thought. Calvin looked nervously behind himself. "Uhh, uhhhmm, hi, Moe, whatcha doing?" he asked.

"Looking for you, Twinkie. I heard from my buddies that it was you who got me with those suction cups. It wouldn't happen to be true, would it?" Moe grinned, thinking that whatever Calvin said wouldn't count. "You and your little 'teddy bear' here." He pointed to the window where a stuffed tiger sat, slumped.

"Uhh, no, of course not! I mean, that is I was, uhm, playing with Hobbes, here, see?" Calvin stammered out. // _Oh, no. I am so in trouble...//_

Moe glared-or tried to glare-at Calvin. "You're a bad liar, you know that?" He clenched his fists. "And I just _hate _bad liars." Moe sneered and aimed a punch at Calvin--

And was stopped by a hand and a voice. "Stop right there, kid."

// _Rosalyn?! _// Calvin thought. // _Why? _//

Rosalyn climbed out the window and towered over Moe. "Kid, you are in BIG trouble with your parents." She grinned. Moe was actually trembling.

"Uhm, Rosalyn, I was just gonna _tap _him! See? I wasn't gonna hit him, you know me, I, uhhh..." Moe stuttered. Finally he ran off.

Calvin picked up Hobbes and set him down outside. "Rosalyn, why'd you do that?" The woman looked down at him and smiled a bit.

"Calvin," she said, kneeling down to his level and putting a hand on his shoulder, "there are times when you either help the person you hate or their parents will be really, really mad at you."

Calvin blinked. "Oh." Rosalyn added, "Why were you out here to begin with?"

// _Oh, darnnit! I should've known she was going to ask that! _// Calvin began with, "Well, it wasn't really my-" "Calvin, tell me the truth." Rosalyn looked merciful, but Calvin wasn't all the way convinced that she was. Still...

"Well, I found this suction gun and I was going to shoot you with it but I shot Moe before and I think somebody saw me and they told him and Hobbes was about to hand me the gun and Moe sneaked up behind me and you know the rest." Calvin took a deep breath. Rosalyn stood up to her full height and looked down at him with the look of a angry goddess. Finally she said, "Since you told me the truth this time, you're off the hook. But _don't do it again._ Got it?"

Calvin nodded vigorously. "Yup! Got it! Won't do it ever again!" Rosalyn nodded. "Good. Now, get inside." Calvin picked Hobbes up and jumped in the window.

10 MINUTES LATER, IN CALVIN'S ROOM

Calvin looked out the window blankly. Hobbes rummaged around in his pile of newspapers and suddenly shrieked in glee, making Calvin jump.

"I'VE FOUND IT!!! I've found it! It was right here in the Comic Chronicles the whole time!" He grabbed a magazine and settled down on the bed.

Calvin sighed, relieved that Hobbes hadn't found a spider or anything like that, and looked out the window once again.

//_ Maybe girls aren't that bad after all...BLASPHEMY! Darn me for even thinking that! I'm a disgrace to the G.R.O.S.S club!_ //

Calvin slapped himself, then turned and said, "Hobbes?" The orange tiger looked up from his Star Wars Weekly comic and replied, "Yeah, Ani?"

Calvin chose to let that one go by. "Hobbes, I think it's time we get rid of the gun. I hate to do it, but still...it's gotta be done."

Hobbes reacted in a expected manner. He jumped off the bed shrieking with happiness, ran around the room squealing "IT'S GONE!! IT'S GONE!!", grabbed Calvin and hugged him and then asked, "When? Where? Can I destroy it? Please? Please? _Please??_" Calvin shoved him off and yelled, "All right! All right!!

You can destroy it, but dump the remains out the window when you're done."

Hobbes proceeded to rip apart the pile of dirty clothes, then once he found the gun, stomped on it, hit it with a newspaper, dragged it around the room, and chewed on it. Then he threw it out the window.

Calvin sighed and looked out on the city once again.


End file.
